Back again, but not the same……

How irritating when ur social surroundings are cut off due to the fact that ur laptop has been stolen, all together it took me a month to get it back to nearly normal, if u consider my assurance payed out, i ordered a new laptop and it has been delivered exactly a month later then the day the oher one have been stolen.

The losses has been counted, i lost about 1230 pictures, 230 documents, 240 scanned drwawings and paintings, all the contacts of my Stam-email, most urls and favorited websites, it is a disaster, so i will make back ups every few months of all i do on this laptop, but somehow i need to get starting up again, i dont have the same fire i had before, so i also lost the drive……..

Strange what happens the first 2 days/nites. u cannot sleep and think of all the items on/in the computer u lost, pictures, documents, i had to change all my passwords for my websites and facebook, linkedin, care2, google, twitter.

Somehow u feel cut off, i already dont work at the moment as my boss tries to ditch me, i miss my colleges, the work and the ritme of life which belongs to having to go to work for 40 hours a week.

But slowly u start to see through all this, u first feel more lonely,  the same time u know u are not more lonely as before, all what i did was feeling social as i blogged, twittered and was on facebook, does this mean whatever it makes one fee is it real or isn’t it?

So the first day i was able to really get social again i felt uncomfortable and strange, i have seen the other side, i have been really without any social life for a month, since work is out of sight for now, no online-thingies, only my mobile phone on which i have no internet-options and i still dont want that and yes i have been phoning more maybe then ever, because one needs to have some contact, at least i do.

But i discovered lonelyness is more a feeling then a fact, i know if u have friends, a partner, and maybe children lonlyness is a different issue, but when u are like me, living alone, with my youngest son, who lives in his own part off the house, u are alone often, yet not lonely, being alone is somehow beareble if u are able to share ur life like i do with a boyfriend who lives in another part of the country and sometimes we are together, which is maybe strange,, but also ok, we are both 60 and we cannot be together as long as i work/wait what will happen with me and he has to be in his own city for his income too, we both have had a whole/big part of life before meeting eachother and i know we could easy live together and we will when time comes and all the working and income issues will be solved. But the main issue is, u share ur life because u are together even when not always really in the same place.

I had simmelar experience when once i was very ill, i even died for 3 minutes, the yourney to the light was tremendous impressif, i will never be the same (or be afraid of death), it is a reward thats for sure, no earthly word is able to discribe it, anyway it was hard to leave it and go back to my body, i could not help it it just happend and i woke up falling back and feeling pain, allthough it took me 2 days to realise that

But this made me think about funerals, how many ppl would have been coming, how many ppl really will know me when i die next time, when u have no colleges, maybe due to retirement and family is vading, friends are death or are no friends no more, it kept me busy for 2 years till i could put it down and try to just live and let it be, like i did before and actually this is the thing, u are alone, u live with urself, maybe sharing ur life, body and mind, still u are the one who will go from this earth the same way as u came, alone.

Never will i wake up and get out of my bed same way as i did, somehow it gets u, u are aware of the fact ur body is able to let u down, fails u, it feels like ur innoncence is gone, same way it makes u richer, u have been there,  u know its really great and feels like homecoming in the house of love, so now i try to just live with it and move on, maybe somewhat less oppertunistic, but also more aware………

I have been asking all my life as many of u will have done, how is it, to die, how does it look at the other side, or even there is nothing when u die,  not for me, i always knew there must be some higher level, energy, most call heaven, i know it now and this gives me peace, but in the same time it makes me restless as it could happen any minute, u dont live forever and somehow thats what one feels when u have not had this experience………

So being cut off from all my activeties online it felt a bit same, maybe also due to being put aside by my boss, it is like isolation, allthough i have at least 5 girlfriends and sons, a partner and family, it still made me feel very lonely and again i will not be the same anymore, if only the thief could feel this too, what he actually took, the value is priceless of that laptop and he maybe got 150 euro for it…………..

TarotImagecard has been created by me…..its symbolic for life, a fight which u begin as soon as u are born, for some more heavy then for others…..

EXUSES FOR ALL THE FAULTS, I AM DUTCH AND HOPE ITS GOOD ENOUGH ENGLISH.

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2 comments on “Back again, but not the same……

  1. I’m so glad you are back!!!! I would feel very lonely too without the internet. I didn’t know if you would ever be on again. Im so glad you could get another laptop. I am sorry though that they coudn’t recover the one you had with all your pictures and things.

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