God, deheer, maar wat is eigenlijk het beeld….

Met klotsende oksels word ik wakker, wie ben ik? Waar ben ik?
In godsnaam, hoe zo godsnaam, waarom in godsnaam.
Wiens naam???
Ach laat maar.

Ben best spiritueel aangelegd en heb zowel het Boeddhisme als de Kabbala jaren bestudeerd, ook moest ik naar zondagschool, toen ik kleuter was.

Daarnaast heb ik de Tarot (kaarten) bestudeerd, toen ik 19 was en ze geschilderd allemaal….
En dus het verhaal over de hoge priester die met zijn geleide geest met een jonge student zijn geest meegaat naar allerlei dimensies, voorgesteld in 78 kaarten tot me kunnen nemen.
Die bewustzijns verbreding heb ik soms bijna lijflijk ondervonden gedurende de drie jaar dat ik ermee bezig ben geweest..
Prachtig om te leren allemaal en vooral te doen, de wijsheid die daardoor ontstond te kunnen toepassen ook..

Heel mooi om te weten waarom wij hier op deze aardkloot rondlopen, of minstens dat we hier niet zo maar zijn.

Maar god is voor mij dus niet een naar ons evenbeeld aanwezige grootheid, die ergens in de hemel? op ons neerkijkt en de een wel naar voren trekt en de ander niet, god kan je niet helpen, laat staan het voor je opknappen. Geloof is een prachtig gegeven, bidden een prima energie die jezelf lichter maakt……god bestaat dus wel, maar alleen is het niet zo’n mindbeperkende manbeeld op een wolk…..eigenlijk vind ik het een belediging van deze inspirerende overweldigende energie om deze naar onze kleine aardbol te halen alsof we helemaal alleen in het universum zijn, die oerknal, dat was het begin dus…..en dat is niet vergelijkbaar met een mens………. niet in beeld niet in aanzien, overdracht of wat dan ook……… dat hebben mensen gedaan/bedacht helaas waarmee het dus eigenlijk nietig is gemaakt……

Ook deze energie is afhankelijk van o.a. ons, van wat er in het hele universum gebeurt, waar wij dus onderdeel van zijn, deze pure energie kan worden verduisterd en juist lichter worden, je kan wel nagaan wat het beste is, hoe meer licht hoe meer bewustzijn, des te minder de ellende die wij toch voornamelijk zelf veroorzaken, bidden is dus heel oke, bidden betekend dat je deze energie lichter makt….. jezelf meer licht geeft en daarmee dus alles om je heen…..

Volgens mij is ”god” ontstaan door het weten dat er een immense gigantische, ongelooflijk grote liefdevolle energie is, een soort oerknal die eeuwig doorgaat in het hele universum, iets wat niemand kan beseffen en eigenlijk liever een opgelegd geloof aanhaalt, niet dat dit perse slecht is, maar wijs niet zomaar een ander geloof of dit gegeven af..
Deze gigantische energie bestaat uit louter liefde, puur en ongeëvenaard, dit is het licht, wat menig mens te zien krijgt als je (soms bijna) van deze aardbol af bent gestapt, dus dood bent.
Deze energie is zo onbeschrijflijk dat er hele boeken met religieuze verhalen zijn ontstaan, dat er geloof, religie is gekomen en geen wonder want er is geen vergelijk hier, geen aards woord kan dat eigenlijk beschrijven.
Deze liefde is zo onbegrensd en veelvuldig dat men dit gewoonweg niet kent, niet voor kind, dier, natuur of elkaar.

Veel van deze inzichten hebben me gebracht dat ik dus zeker ben van reïncarnatie, van meerdere levens als mens,.
.
En niet tijdens 1 leven, maar door meerdere levens wordt de mens bewuster en dus vaak levenswijzer.
Daarom zijn er mensen die zgn. jong/blond/sociaal (soms) zwak zijn, hier kunnen ze (vaak) niks aan doen en meer nog, degene die wat bewuster is, was dus zelf ook eens zo’n zgn. sociaal zwak/blond/jong (van geest) mens, we zijn namelijk allemaal zo begonnen, als je dat inziet snap je veel meer..

Dus jammer dat mensen overal een hokje voor nodig hebben en niet gewoon meer accepteren, hun energie zoveel beter kunnen gebruiken, wat ook weer ten goede komt van de eigen karma enz.
Al kan je dit niet geloven, vraag je dan af, waarom niet en wat je wel geloofd waarom dat dan wel.
Denk na en neem je eigen besluit, creëer je eigen inzicht, heb geduld met anderen die niet zijn zoals jij.
Ga meer doen met je gevoel, je kunnen, dan zullen er toch minder negatieve vibraties ontstaan en wellicht dat dan ook minder ellende wordt veroorzaakt.
Hoe dan ook, ga eens na bij jezelf, hoe sta ik hierin, wat en hoe kan ik meer doen om te voorkomen dat deze wereld.
Wat kan jij doen voor jezelf en daarmee voor al hetgeen wat er om je heen gebeurd.
Denk aan de steen die in het water wordt gegooid, de kringen worden steeds wijder……….

the light

the light

Within you.

Heal urself. Feel and recognize it.

WHAT U believe> so ur intentions are positive about what u do, u are able of anything, thats why men go to war, women play evil, (fanaticism and extremism will have a free way), they think doing good, they believe they are harmonious with it..or even will do good, make the world, their country, religion better History proofs that many times, in kingdoms and republics, being adult u cannot look as deep as when u are a child, because they do that natural. so as adult u need to see, that what u do needs an awareness, needs u to be fully there and not to much influenced by others, rules, or any role which is put upon u in society.
U really are all fundamental spirits, u need know it all every time, but u will always have the ability to recognize, and know why u do, want or act as u do.
If u are able to be this way, u will be so more balanced and see that u just live ur own life, that all what u believe in will happen.

Your soul needs peace.

Your soul need positif vibrations, so  nurturing and replenishing with quiet time for peaceful reflection.

If u take time to look back and see forward then u also need time to be in the moment, silent and empty in ur mind, nothing between ur ears, no thinking, no colours, no sound.

Try to do that once in a while so u will return to ur own self, see what is actually important.

How to spend ur energy, how to silence the voice in ur head, thaughts which make u choosing not for u, but for what may  be, what could be, said, done, left.

It is not easy to empty ur head, but if u really want it and try, u will slowly get there, first steps are made and the rest follows more easy.

Would it not be nice, to feel relieved, less senseless, why always go to work, for only money and desires to fulfill.

How did u feel as a child, like u dont know  it all, not need to judge, not need to see it all, that is a moment for urself.

and if u just take time maybe one or two hours a week, u give urself, ur body and mind some rest to, which results in a balanced life and so peace for ur soul.1898026_10152254616683665_308171169_n

Reflection

If u want to be more urself maybe u want to try this:

Go and stand before a mirror, look at urself, who is that person, do u like what u see, are u able to see more then only the outside, are u able to reflect and check urself out, are u content with what u do, stand for, are?

If u are honest with urself just now, please try to be honest, it is very important to be able to sort it out, to see, to understand, u are maybe more the one u think people want u to be, or maybe u cannot even be urself as u live with dominant person(s), or in a dominant environment, maybe some colleges are so weak they try to put u down and u suffer now.

Close ur eyes, picture the one u was when u went to school the first day, maybe there u see the real u, or the way u are raised is in the way, just strip all, as if u would be naked of all, especially the bad vibrations, now think of what u could be, or tried to be and forget that too.

So there u are, who are u, do u want to be the one u are, are u content or dissapointed, glad or depressed with what u find? Thats ok. NOW is the moment to be, just be and keep what u think is ok, no more trying to be accepted by everyone, thats impossible, u dont have to be the one who has to take care off ur environment to feel good,, u dont have to make people laugh, u are not the centre or just another person, u are u.

U are the one, who u need to love, cherish and take care for now and ever, the coming time u need to keep reflecting urself, to be more pure urself, without all the trying so hard, the not able to say no, be first one, nor the last one, keep urself up and positive, look at urself as a kid, starting a new event: the rest off ur life.

Arcana Empress (Tarot)

Empress

 

Why? How? What?

Why we are and How we do and What we don't is ending us.

Why we are and How we do and What we don’t is ending us.

 

Human is form, Being is formless.

Human is relative, Being is absolute.

Human is temporary, Being is eternal.

Human is dying, Being is birthing.

Human is suffering, Being is bliss.

Human is attachment, Being is love.

Human is noise, Being is stillness.

Human is challenge, Being is possibility.

Human struggles, Being observes.

Human experiences, Being allows.

Human is thought, Being is awareness.

Human is fear, Being is power.

Human is appearance, Being is the presence.

Human does, Being is.

Catch it, if u can

Yep, catch it if u can, u need to get over this, so catch and put it away, take it to the bottom of ur experiencebox/mind in ur head, cover it with all the blankets u have, make it go away, vanish, disappear…but….like the picture above u see no people left, only their footsteps in the sand, like it is,  the print will stay for ever, till u sweep the sand, or water it and thats exactly what u have to do, sweep ur brains, water u mind, to give it more chances, changes, till u feel u will be able to handle or deal with ur feelings and thaugths.

How do u do that, some memories keep coming back, they look around the corner all the time and as soon u are a bit down, or someone reminds u in what way so ever, the memoire jumps at u, from its corner and enjoys the stay in the front of ur experiencebox/mind, it haunts u and make u get no sleep at all, even when its old and was crumbled to practically nothing….. it blows itself up, it comes loud and clear, u smell, hear and sometimes even see the experience like it happened yesterday….. people are able to hurt u in a horrible way, just for fun, or they are addicted or the want the power even when they have to make u feel very bad, some of them even like it that way.

How and why, i will never know, but getting hurt by people is the worst what can happen, so much worse if the occurring of feeling bad would exist just by accident, or wrong judgement, childish mistake. So why, does the person have no conscience, no limits or has he/she been hurt too and cannot handle that and just wants to do this to others, instead having to deal with him/herself?

Well i think i should feel good that i don’t know why people do this to each other, in stead holding back and i know for sure half of the harm and pain would be prevented if u are being raised the right way, ur surroundings shows u limits when u are a child and bad behavior,  guilt will be punished, so one learns.

Whatever ur experiences are, don’t get over it, don’t put it way, try to revive it, slowly, with all ur brains, tell urself u are ok and not the victim, the victim is the one who is going beyond and over the human limit, i know it sounds easy and seems foolish, but if u try it each day piece by piece, u get stronger and the responsible feelings about it will first walk aside u, untill u know u are not responsible and actually the hurter/the bad person will seem and later on be the poor one, just take ur time, tell urself u are right, ok and far more than the stupid guy/girl who is trying to bring u down, now u turn the role and in the end u are above it all, how long that make take, in the end u will, if u want to know some more about how to gain balance or see the real purpose of life, visit this website, maybe it will bring u some knowledge, or warmth:) and spiritual guidance.

To many people kill themselves, commit suicide, jump in front of a train, while in the end mostly u are able to get out of it, self-confidence is needed here and if possible someone aside u who understands, who shows u love, love,  words will ever be the same, understanding and love  will make u see, will maybe help u out, give it a try, get professional help, dont be ashamed, angry or demonstated, help urself in coming back to the life u had, the life where u felt good, made u move forward and want to be part of. Dont give it away and dont despair, it will not last forever, and sorry this sounds cruel, but after all its also in between ur ears, in ur mind, see that and the healing begins, u put the one who is making u crazy out of ur head, lame him/her and make it smaller so u will be able to deal with it, after all, u are worth it, dead is easy, life is not, but if u kill urself u will never know how fantastic it can be, what would happen to u and all the ones who love u will not have to grieve..

www.marsk4angel.nl it will be in the same bad english as this blog, but anyhow u will understand:)

1 july 14.20 oclock my exhusband died, float into the light… Walter

Helaas is mijn ex-man ongeveer 11 uur geleden overleden, voor hem gezien de laatste weken was het beste, wat hem kon overkomen, want er was veel mis met zijn lichaam, Walter Jacobus Pieter Verhoeven je bent 63 jaar geworden, je was een lieve man, je zonen zijn dapper en ook natuurlijk Nathalie, we zijn droevig maar dankbaar en zullen je niet vergeten, vaar wel Walter met onze liefde naar het eeuwige licht en groei daar tot je licht genoeg bent:)

It happened, my ex husband is no more, he went to the light of love, called heaven, is it coincidence, we were there, my oldest son, my friend and
me?, he was fighting for his life, his body gave up, his spirit would not go, it took him 4 days to let go, he went in peace, every day we stayed for hours and came back in the evening, but still he was also much alone, till the next day, sometimes it l…ooked like he was more aware, but overall he was fighting and restless, medicine helped him to calm down and so the last few days he was really in peace, 63 years u lived on this earth Walter Jacobus Pieter Verhoeven, u did it ur way and was a sweethearted man, we did not live together the last 10 years, but always were friends, ur sons are brave and sad of course, grow in the light dear, we will not forget u.
This is the reason i have not been around last weeks and will not be next weeks too, as we have now to do all what has to be done when someone has left this earth…….:(till then and thus later.

How does one manage and become more positive, when having to defend so much to live.

ImageWhat can i say, i get fatter by the day, i cannot coop with the way my boss tries to get rid of me, i have one son still living at home, he does not work, does not do anything to get work, has no hobbies, no interests, accept music listening and gaming.

Ofcourse this boy is in trouble, no one likes to live this way except when u are really poor and idealizes this way of living. I am his mother and cannot send him of to the streets, i cannot get trough to him, and yes i know i should, loving him is not difficult as he is very gentle and intelligent, helas that does not help him out now.

I have been fighting most of my life for different circumstances and more positive view, but one needs to have some support and i dont want to complain, but somehow i am alone, no warm hugs or arms around me, my mother died when i was 4 years and it seems that love is a unknown item for me, ofcourse i have friends and both my sons and my boyfriend love me, but somehow i feel alone,maybe i am just at th wrong side and not looking at the right things.

I fight it alone, not many ppl around to help me out, i would not even like to tell it to the ones i know, i indeed know it could be far worse, but for me, i reached my end of the rope, i have not much rope left, maybe i want to use the last end to hang myself, i know how peace-full and love-full it is, when u are on the overside, in ”heaven”, after life, i have been there.

But suicide does not help, it is not a way to go, u cannot do it, think of ur sons, ur surrounding and so on, maybe if i get more egoistic i would do it, although i dont know if i would go to the same place i have been when i was dead for 3 to 4 minutes in 2006.

So how keep it up, how to look at life, how to get more positive, no matter what happens, i know i am a pretty strong person considering all that happened in my life and how i did overcome this, oh yeah, i have been happy and more content during my life, but getting older seems to trigger as well, no elastics anymore, easier thinking negative, although i know it does not help and i always try to get out of that as soon as possible, being content with what u have, get, are and experience is the best way, but again, how do i achieve it?

Since i have been in ”heaven” i cannot get rid of the thought it was really overwhelming and it keeps on triggering me, peace and rest, no more trouble, pain, or any other human issues, actually it is not possible to describe the experience i had, because all earthly and human words seem to be to short, small, not coming to the point of the way it felt/was.

For me all people are god, together, together with earth, nature, animals and all there is in this universe. We are all one, in spirit we are, but on earth we are separated, each in her/his own body, all our earthly life we keep on searching to emerge, to come together, to be one as we will be once we left this earthly life.

Yes i went into a dark elevator, came in the immense lighting tunnel towards such clear light, but again i am not able to describe it in words.

Back to my depressed feelings, because thats the other side of my life, being torn between wanting to be dead, also due to circumstances and not able to coop with that anymore and the knowledge that whatever u do, in the end it is relevant, or it looks relevant, i know this sounds stupid and maybe even childish, but i am all out of positive spirit and therefore unable to see it different and how do i get out of this, even going on holiday, witht he camper, the most wanted, does not seem to give me the very contant feeling (happy feeling as well) it gave before.

I am a fighter for the voiceless, i wish i could help myself, i wish i could be as loving-feeling for me, as i feel for all that comes along and gets my attention and support, whatever it is, when i see a possible chance to help i do, this is normal for me, so i am not asking for applause, it makes me being able to look in the mirror and live with myself.

So is this depression or is it maybe just being negative.

It would be great if for once i would not have to worry about so much, always something comes up to get in line so the list of worries gets longer and longer and i know it does not help, but how do i get my positive view back, now i am on the bottom of it all.

Anyway, i know life is a bitch and i better try to look at it another way, to enjoy what i do, to love myself with all i do and try to be for others, knowing i do it for me, because i want to be useful and also use my abilities at the most, which is good i think…..

So, i hope my boss will read this and know he is really going over the edge in asking me to change my way of life to be able to work in the mornings as well, while i actually only worked at nite or only from noon till late in the evening, it is dangerous to change ones ritme, especially when u are a diabetic and 60 years of age…………….another worry for me, will i coop here, do i have to fight this again too, with lawyer and my own doctor who is against it as well, i work there 21 years now, before that i worked at the Milkyway, a multi-cutural centre, also from 15 till deep into the nite, so almost 35 to 40 years of late work, being a real niteperson it did never do me any harm, now i will get stressed in tryig to be out of bed the same hour i mostly go to sleep, my health is at stake due to my diabetic illness, i inject insuline and why do i have to give my health away? Because the boss has this idea everybody has to work same shifts, even when now already not everybody is doing that, it is discriminating, at least thats how it feels……….

Maybe this all sounds like no problem, but for me its the last drop in the bucket, the bucket will start to overflow………….

Back again, but not the same……

How irritating when ur social surroundings are cut off due to the fact that ur laptop has been stolen, all together it took me a month to get it back to nearly normal, if u consider my assurance payed out, i ordered a new laptop and it has been delivered exactly a month later then the day the oher one have been stolen.

The losses has been counted, i lost about 1230 pictures, 230 documents, 240 scanned drwawings and paintings, all the contacts of my Stam-email, most urls and favorited websites, it is a disaster, so i will make back ups every few months of all i do on this laptop, but somehow i need to get starting up again, i dont have the same fire i had before, so i also lost the drive……..

Strange what happens the first 2 days/nites. u cannot sleep and think of all the items on/in the computer u lost, pictures, documents, i had to change all my passwords for my websites and facebook, linkedin, care2, google, twitter.

Somehow u feel cut off, i already dont work at the moment as my boss tries to ditch me, i miss my colleges, the work and the ritme of life which belongs to having to go to work for 40 hours a week.

But slowly u start to see through all this, u first feel more lonely,  the same time u know u are not more lonely as before, all what i did was feeling social as i blogged, twittered and was on facebook, does this mean whatever it makes one fee is it real or isn’t it?

So the first day i was able to really get social again i felt uncomfortable and strange, i have seen the other side, i have been really without any social life for a month, since work is out of sight for now, no online-thingies, only my mobile phone on which i have no internet-options and i still dont want that and yes i have been phoning more maybe then ever, because one needs to have some contact, at least i do.

But i discovered lonelyness is more a feeling then a fact, i know if u have friends, a partner, and maybe children lonlyness is a different issue, but when u are like me, living alone, with my youngest son, who lives in his own part off the house, u are alone often, yet not lonely, being alone is somehow beareble if u are able to share ur life like i do with a boyfriend who lives in another part of the country and sometimes we are together, which is maybe strange,, but also ok, we are both 60 and we cannot be together as long as i work/wait what will happen with me and he has to be in his own city for his income too, we both have had a whole/big part of life before meeting eachother and i know we could easy live together and we will when time comes and all the working and income issues will be solved. But the main issue is, u share ur life because u are together even when not always really in the same place.

I had simmelar experience when once i was very ill, i even died for 3 minutes, the yourney to the light was tremendous impressif, i will never be the same (or be afraid of death), it is a reward thats for sure, no earthly word is able to discribe it, anyway it was hard to leave it and go back to my body, i could not help it it just happend and i woke up falling back and feeling pain, allthough it took me 2 days to realise that

But this made me think about funerals, how many ppl would have been coming, how many ppl really will know me when i die next time, when u have no colleges, maybe due to retirement and family is vading, friends are death or are no friends no more, it kept me busy for 2 years till i could put it down and try to just live and let it be, like i did before and actually this is the thing, u are alone, u live with urself, maybe sharing ur life, body and mind, still u are the one who will go from this earth the same way as u came, alone.

Never will i wake up and get out of my bed same way as i did, somehow it gets u, u are aware of the fact ur body is able to let u down, fails u, it feels like ur innoncence is gone, same way it makes u richer, u have been there,  u know its really great and feels like homecoming in the house of love, so now i try to just live with it and move on, maybe somewhat less oppertunistic, but also more aware………

I have been asking all my life as many of u will have done, how is it, to die, how does it look at the other side, or even there is nothing when u die,  not for me, i always knew there must be some higher level, energy, most call heaven, i know it now and this gives me peace, but in the same time it makes me restless as it could happen any minute, u dont live forever and somehow thats what one feels when u have not had this experience………

So being cut off from all my activeties online it felt a bit same, maybe also due to being put aside by my boss, it is like isolation, allthough i have at least 5 girlfriends and sons, a partner and family, it still made me feel very lonely and again i will not be the same anymore, if only the thief could feel this too, what he actually took, the value is priceless of that laptop and he maybe got 150 euro for it…………..

TarotImagecard has been created by me…..its symbolic for life, a fight which u begin as soon as u are born, for some more heavy then for others…..

EXUSES FOR ALL THE FAULTS, I AM DUTCH AND HOPE ITS GOOD ENOUGH ENGLISH.