How does one manage and become more positive, when having to defend so much to live.

ImageWhat can i say, i get fatter by the day, i cannot coop with the way my boss tries to get rid of me, i have one son still living at home, he does not work, does not do anything to get work, has no hobbies, no interests, accept music listening and gaming.

Ofcourse this boy is in trouble, no one likes to live this way except when u are really poor and idealizes this way of living. I am his mother and cannot send him of to the streets, i cannot get trough to him, and yes i know i should, loving him is not difficult as he is very gentle and intelligent, helas that does not help him out now.

I have been fighting most of my life for different circumstances and more positive view, but one needs to have some support and i dont want to complain, but somehow i am alone, no warm hugs or arms around me, my mother died when i was 4 years and it seems that love is a unknown item for me, ofcourse i have friends and both my sons and my boyfriend love me, but somehow i feel alone,maybe i am just at th wrong side and not looking at the right things.

I fight it alone, not many ppl around to help me out, i would not even like to tell it to the ones i know, i indeed know it could be far worse, but for me, i reached my end of the rope, i have not much rope left, maybe i want to use the last end to hang myself, i know how peace-full and love-full it is, when u are on the overside, in ”heaven”, after life, i have been there.

But suicide does not help, it is not a way to go, u cannot do it, think of ur sons, ur surrounding and so on, maybe if i get more egoistic i would do it, although i dont know if i would go to the same place i have been when i was dead for 3 to 4 minutes in 2006.

So how keep it up, how to look at life, how to get more positive, no matter what happens, i know i am a pretty strong person considering all that happened in my life and how i did overcome this, oh yeah, i have been happy and more content during my life, but getting older seems to trigger as well, no elastics anymore, easier thinking negative, although i know it does not help and i always try to get out of that as soon as possible, being content with what u have, get, are and experience is the best way, but again, how do i achieve it?

Since i have been in ”heaven” i cannot get rid of the thought it was really overwhelming and it keeps on triggering me, peace and rest, no more trouble, pain, or any other human issues, actually it is not possible to describe the experience i had, because all earthly and human words seem to be to short, small, not coming to the point of the way it felt/was.

For me all people are god, together, together with earth, nature, animals and all there is in this universe. We are all one, in spirit we are, but on earth we are separated, each in her/his own body, all our earthly life we keep on searching to emerge, to come together, to be one as we will be once we left this earthly life.

Yes i went into a dark elevator, came in the immense lighting tunnel towards such clear light, but again i am not able to describe it in words.

Back to my depressed feelings, because thats the other side of my life, being torn between wanting to be dead, also due to circumstances and not able to coop with that anymore and the knowledge that whatever u do, in the end it is relevant, or it looks relevant, i know this sounds stupid and maybe even childish, but i am all out of positive spirit and therefore unable to see it different and how do i get out of this, even going on holiday, witht he camper, the most wanted, does not seem to give me the very contant feeling (happy feeling as well) it gave before.

I am a fighter for the voiceless, i wish i could help myself, i wish i could be as loving-feeling for me, as i feel for all that comes along and gets my attention and support, whatever it is, when i see a possible chance to help i do, this is normal for me, so i am not asking for applause, it makes me being able to look in the mirror and live with myself.

So is this depression or is it maybe just being negative.

It would be great if for once i would not have to worry about so much, always something comes up to get in line so the list of worries gets longer and longer and i know it does not help, but how do i get my positive view back, now i am on the bottom of it all.

Anyway, i know life is a bitch and i better try to look at it another way, to enjoy what i do, to love myself with all i do and try to be for others, knowing i do it for me, because i want to be useful and also use my abilities at the most, which is good i think…..

So, i hope my boss will read this and know he is really going over the edge in asking me to change my way of life to be able to work in the mornings as well, while i actually only worked at nite or only from noon till late in the evening, it is dangerous to change ones ritme, especially when u are a diabetic and 60 years of age…………….another worry for me, will i coop here, do i have to fight this again too, with lawyer and my own doctor who is against it as well, i work there 21 years now, before that i worked at the Milkyway, a multi-cutural centre, also from 15 till deep into the nite, so almost 35 to 40 years of late work, being a real niteperson it did never do me any harm, now i will get stressed in tryig to be out of bed the same hour i mostly go to sleep, my health is at stake due to my diabetic illness, i inject insuline and why do i have to give my health away? Because the boss has this idea everybody has to work same shifts, even when now already not everybody is doing that, it is discriminating, at least thats how it feels……….

Maybe this all sounds like no problem, but for me its the last drop in the bucket, the bucket will start to overflow………….


Life as it is………………

Life…….not asked for it, even been death once and came back, never asked for that too, somehow i am depressed, humans are not really to be proud about, nature is vanishing and earth is severe ill, we did that, but also nature itself, whats the purpose of it all.

When i wake up, i dont want to get out of bed, but i dont want to go to bed either.

Most of the time i feel ok, but not really good, since december last year i feel better, my fire came back, i live more from day-to-day, its a bless. I am  fighter, i care for many things, issues, items, could not be another way and even dont want it too.So my life is heavy at times, but very ok.

I remember the first time i ever traveled something happens with me, i felt great, exited, so i am a nomad, a gypsy because whenever i travel the first thing i do is searching for a place to sleep, somewhere in the streets, under a bridge, behind a door in an empty building, anywhere, not that i need that, we have a camper and before always a sleeping place, so it is something 0ut of my last life.

I still feel the incredible feeling i had when we were asleep somewhere in Charleroi the south of Belgium, we found this place in deep dark nite, because no one would give us a hitch? more southwards, as we were on our way to Morocco, so we had to stay and sleep and try it again the next day.

We entered the empty building, walked through it and rolled out our sleeping bags, when we woke up we were next to an hole of about 4 to 4 meters and even more deep, there were more square holes in that floor and it seemed we were so lucky to have chosen the right spot, one meter to the west, north south or east and we would have fallen in the holes, it was an empty milkfactory…….but the feeling, that was wonderful, like u have been led by angels, god personally took care of us, thats how it felt, tremendous happy, i never felt that again, except for the 2 sons i gave birth.

So why feel so depressed most of the time, i cannot look away, i cannot ignore, i cannot live knowing we humans kill, torture, suppress others, animals, nature.

Its always been like that, the issue is, how is one able to live with this all, the knowing, why is one day positive and the other not, one thing i know for sure, i am glad, i am not one of those ppl who dont see it, who ignore, who look the other way…….

Soo maybe thats the turning point for me at this moment, its strange though and does not feel like a complete fulfillment, i dont have to be happy, but more content, thats all.

I know most is between ur ears, how u feel, look at things or go about, getting older is getting wiser, at least it is for me, that makes me more content, somehow maybe it will be possible, to be less down and more positif, dont u think too?

My english is not good, the words with? behind them are doubtfull, i hope u will find the meaning, so u understand it anyway.:)